Pre-existance

Strange feeling really, waking up one morning and realizing I don’t exist. In fact, I’m not entirely sure I ever have. Believe me when I say this is not a cry for help or attention so much as a straightforward realization. I don’t exist.

Maybe it’s a malediction, I did live with witches until very recently and they’re convinced that I won’t be truly aware until I become one with the coven. No...that’s not it.

I remember as a child being seriously concerned that I was one of the "gifted" children in a short bus special kind of way but that everyone walked on eggshells around me to prevent me from knowing the truth. I really thought that someday I’d need to be institutionalized for something I was completely unaware of.

Then I grew up and realized that I was right, I AM crazy and I started seeing a shrink. I’ve always appreciated having someone to talk to (who didn’t primarily reside with the other voices in my head) and I’ve slowly begun to accept the things he’s taught me about myself and tried to use them to understand who I really am.

BUT...as I left his office after our last meeting, he shook my hand and said, "thanks for another wonderful session Katherine." I didn’t think too much of it and brushed it off as if maybe I just heard him wrong. But as I got home and looked over my "homework" from the good doc I realized that every time he had written my name, he had written some version of Katherine.

Ok...the worst possible thing you could do for a girl who is constantly questioning her identity is to confuse her with someone else. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Katherine, Kate, or Kathy and I’m pretty sure that what ever progress he’s made in convincing me that I exist has been very quickly reversed.

Next comes my sweet but genuinely officious friend who shall remain nameless (not because I don’t know his name mind you but because I’d like to protect the innocent here) friend X. Good guy, but largely responsible for my current state of self reflection.

"Who are you?" he says. "What are you doing with your life? Do you really think that you’ll look back on this time in your existence and say, ‘here’s what I have to be proud of’?"

Uhhhh.... Was that supposed to be my goal? ... Yes? ... Shit.

Of course he’s right. Of COURSE he is. But sometimes I guess it’s just easier to blend into my surroundings and forget that I’m supposed to be a positive addition to society. Sometimes it’s easier to think that I don’t exist. I’ve always been the pertinacious type.


Living in a place where an "artist" in search of himself/herself is so quotidian that only the businessmen and postal workers stand out isn’t good for my ego. Pretending that the term "artist" still applies to me is far worse. I don’t deserve the title. Artists exist.

Even so, it’s a new year and with each new year I resolve to make this one better than the last. Fortunately for me, that shouldn’t be so difficult this time around. The future, I decided just this evening, is where I exist. Just this morning I was born. And though it’s one hell of a world that I’ve been thrown into, I’m ready to make it mine.

Congratulations you...this is your existence. Isn’t it lovely? Doesn’t it feel right?

I smiled at the thought of it and then went out for groceries. I’ll have veggie lasagne, spinach and bleu, and a couple of bottles of Acai with Passionfruit and Mango (because what good is a new existence without "Nature’s healthiest highest antioxidant fruit"?)

"Brace yourself dear world, I’m here and I’m ready!!!"

I think I may have said it out loud but fortunately the people of PCC are rather forgiving. Bags in hand I made for the door terribly excited to brave the world. And as I do a very formidable automatic glass door refuse to accept my new existence and made complete contact with my stupidly grinning face.

Again....shit.

And I’m back where I started. Honestly people, if even an automatic door can’t tell that I’m there, what am I supposed to think?

My new theory: Who needs existence? I’m perfectly content as a nominal member of society and I don’t see much changing from here on out.

After all, it’s best summarized by Simone Weil, "The future is made of the same stuff as the present." I think she was a philosopher. Or a lesbian.

I give in.