10 random thoughts about life...

While I still have a few things fresh on my mind....


1. White Christmas trees don't work in a beige room with beige walls and beige carpets. It just looks dirty. If, by some familial circumstance, you're obligated to keep said white tree up, do not resort to decorating with with purple and blue glittery tulips purchased for 12 cents a piece at last year's "after-Christmas" sale. They will look like cheap tacky (yet glittery) blue and purple vaginas. No matter how you look at it this is NOT an appropriate Christmas theme.

2. Just because a movie has the word "Good" in the title that doesn't mean that it is.

3. The score and libretto for "The Sound of Music" has been sitting on my desk for a week now and everytime I see it I think it says "Book written by Russel Crowe." I can't help imagining what a different show that would have been. Capt'n Von Trapp could have been a chubby greasy haired kiwi with autistic (albeit gladiator-like) tendancies. Maria would have been bored in a matter of minutes.

4. YES I KNOW it's a real story but do you think Russell Crowe really would have cared?

5. Wearing Sketcher's "Shape Ups" may increase the workout to my butt and thighs but it also makes me feel like I'm one of those kids with one leg longer than the others so I have to wear one regular shiny shoe and one thicker and much less attractive shoe. Except in this case I wear them on both feet so it's more like both of my legs are shorter than the other. Yeah.

6.People will give up their Friday nights to watch an old Babs Streisand flick but not their Saturday nights.


7. Southwestern fabric brightens everyone's day.

8. Claning out the office fridge should only be done on a Friday when the building will be vacant for a weekend and the place can be aired out. Children could die from office kitchen fumes.

9. If you're driving down the freeway in the car-pool lane and your spouse is laying in the back of the car with the dogs, people may think you are driving alone. They are, infact, incorrect.

10. It's ok to lie if your bosses support the habit.

Mmmmm fruit kebabs...

Hey I realize that I'm writing (talking) to myself here because NOBODY knows I even have a blog, but I figure maybe one day I'll do something interesting enough to blog about.

And then I'll embellish the story until it's interesting enough to Write about.

And then I'll embellish it even more.

In doing so, I hope to gain just one reader. I hope it's a bored cubicle monkey doing a random search for the word "epicurious."

I don't intend to be writing about food or cooking or the curious delights there in, mind you, I just plan to include the word in this blog and hopefully someone comes across it.

Epicurous.

There I've done it.

Bring it on fate...I'm ready for a reader!

Benvenido a Miami

Have you ever thought about visiting the Bahamas? I have. In fact, I've thought about it quite a lot lately. I've thought about it so much, in fact, that I've just booked two round-trip non-refundable tickets to Miami.

W T F ?

Have I MET myself? Have I SEEN my greenish-shade-of-opaque-white skin that should NOT be touched by the sun's fertile rays? Have I remembered the fact that I haven't owned a bathing suit since the age of 12 (for VERY good reasons)?

And have I ignored these questions and gone ahead and booked the flights to Miami?

Hells yes.

Damn you Will Smith, if you hadn't made your party song so much like a "call to arms" maybe I would have thought through it a little bit before booking a vacation that requires a few things that I Don't have.

Miami Beach Body

Swimming Suit

Tannable skin

Watersport mentality

Affection for the outdoors

Instead, my suitcase will be filled with turtle neck sweaters, long pants, SPF 7O+ sunscreen, an old lady hat, an umbrella, a bottle of aloe, a bottle of excederine, and possibly a few phone numbers to the local paramedics.

I'm so lucky that my husband forgives me for my craziness LONG before it presents itself.

Why not?.....He gets a trip to the Bahamas!

This was me on a particularly masculine day.

Rough Day

Some days at the Walmart

are classier than others.

Today my back hurt

so I took refuge

on a lonely bench

by a Mexican.

My nose started to bleed.

So as I sat there

moaning in pain

with my head held back

and blood in my throat

next to a Mexican

I found myself thinking

I should avoid the Walmart.

And that was that.

The Joys of Maidonhood

I feel like hell.



It's snowing outside in massive amounts and truthfully the dreary gloom usually appeals to my inner goth but for some reason today it just makes me cold.





And then hot.





And then cold again. Damned viscious cycle.



If I didn't know better I'd think I was pregnant. Or going through menapause. Or becoming a man. Considering the liklihood of any of these three happening is slim-to-none, I don't think I'll panic yet.

Fattie fattie two by four

Have you ever had a dog that was too fat to jump on the bed? We do.

When she jumps it's as if she has no concept of height or effort necessary and instead she smacks into the sideboard shoulders first and looks at us as if we've done this to her on purpose.

We have not.


She's on diet food and limited to small portions. But the other dog (the gay boy) often forgets that he has to eat to live and in his absentmindedness he becomes an enabler, allowing her to eat herself to miserable extent.

I find it humorous. And sad.

But when she tires walking from the kitchen to living room and has to pause (coochie to carpet) to take a breather, I'm more amused than sad.

Does this make me a bad mother?

Sometimes I feed her the dog food one piece at a time JUST to make sure she has it in her mouth long enough to chew it, thus prolonging digestion, or so I've told myself.

There must be something else we can do for her.


Is there a Jenny Craig for dogs? Weight watchers? Nutrisystems?

I'll hire Richard Simmons.

Necessary Ratings

Deep down I've always known I was a bandwagon girl.

Posting only to an unknown and nearly foreign blog in attempts to protect myself from public scrutiny has grown old. I guess you could say I long for the types of attention even my poorly written acquaintances get. So here I am...jumping on board and attempting a PG 13 version of that thing I do best...

Mind speaking.

Here's hoping the result is readable.

I give no guarantees.