Friday, October 5, 2012

Choosy Moms...

Can you think of a single problem that can't be solved with a spoon and some peanut butter? Ok....obesity is probably not best solved this way....or a nut allergy...or a spoon allergy...but you ge the point.

Our baby is looking more like a little man each day. And he's acting more and more like a toddler.

After an hour of simply following around the house cleaning up whatever messes he had made I (stupidly) decided to go check the mail. In our house this is a bad idea on many levels. Oeddie runs outside immediately and dashes for the neighbor's yard. Not wanting to haul Archer with me I close the door behind me and take off after Oed. This causes Archer to scream at the top of his lungs which causes Rexy to bark at the top of hers. So this time I get wise and lock Oeddie in the bedroom before opening the front door. I purposefully pick a time when Archer is playing in his room so that I can get in and out of the house quickly, without notice. Didn't work. He heard the door open and came in a full on sprint, only I didn't know this because I was outside getting the mail. So when I opened the door I opened it right in to him, taking him by surprise and causing him to fall backwards onto the rug. I scooped him up in an effort to show that mom was there to save the day (and forget that mom had just ruined it) but he wasn't having it. He threw his head backward and kicked me so hard in the chest I lost my breath and he proceeded to pound his fists on the ground while screaming which, of course, made Rexy bark from the living room and Oeddie bark and scratch at the door from the bedroom.

I tried everything to calm him down and finally resorted to strapping him into his high chair and handing him a spoonful of Peanut Butter.

Ahh the comforting silence of forgiveness.

So, I've decided, this is how I'm going to settle all of my issues from here on out. How surprised will Ben be if, during our next argument, I stick a PB spoon in his mouth?

I'll let you know.

Yes yes I know it's been nearly a year since my last post. Unacceptable, I know. But it's kind of hard to be motivated when I have no audience. I talk to myself often but I rarely write to myself and I don't really see the point. Sure I should do this so that I can look back at my life down the road and have a way to remember it. (Why do most of my posts on my blog already look like this?) Consider this my apology (self) and let us begin anew.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Do you know what it's like to raise a thumbsucker? I'm asking this not as an amusing thought to ponder as I lead into an entertaining post, I'm literally asking if you know what it's like.

It's an adventure.

Mine is 15 lbs of adorable squishy fun with one very pink thumb.

The books (damn the books) say I should let him have it. He's found his own self-soothing technique and there's not harm in letting him enjoy his digit(s) so long as I can get him to stop prior to his second set of teeth coming in. The nurses (damn the nurses) at our Pediatrician's office say I should keep it away from him so as to avoid any possible "behavioral issues" it might cause. The internet (damn the internet) has mixed reviews.

One one hand (no pun intended) his thumb seems to make him happy and I ENJOY making him happy. On the other, he seems a bit obsessed and my normally talkative, kicky, punchy boy has become introverted and still. It's as if it's impossible to suck his thumb and do anything else at the same time- he is a man after all.

So I chose to listen to the nurses (damn) and try to keep it away from him. This requires replacement therapy (thus causing binky dependence and is this any better?) OR distraction techniques (how many times can you put a rattle in his hand or change our activity before he just gets angry?...about three) OR punishment tactics in the form of a glove (which the other hand can quickly pull off.)

I try each and every one of these things an average of about 1,000 times a day and still he manages to get his thumb from time to time.

Is this really such a bad thing? Ben and I were both thumbsuckers and we turned out relatively ok. Should I just let him have it? I've tried that too, and then I just begin to stress that his language and physical growth will suffer. And do you want to know the most distressing part? It's his LEFT thumb!!!

Aaahhhh well. The damned internet tells me the last five presidents were leftys. I wonder if they sucked their thumbs?

Survival of the fittest

Any mom who fits into single digit sizes within 6 months of having a baby should be shot. Granted I'll Never fit into single digit sizes (even at my thinnest after major lipo and a nasty anorexic phase I was still a solid 10...ahem...12.) AND granted I lost all of my baby weight PLUS about 30 lbs within 8 weeks of having Archer. But even with these two facts firmly in place, I get irritated with post-prego-skinny.

Skinny bitches in general get on my nerves. A woman isn't a woman without a few curves.

I should be a rapper.

Where was I? Oh yeah....on my way to the kitchen for another cookie.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


My husband tells me I need to keep a journal. I can't be bothered. I decided, instead, to update my blog. I realize I can't be bothered.

But then I remember that I just had a baby and that I may want to remember the experience of it all and I guess I can, in fact, be bothered.

So here I am.


Monday, July 25, 2011

This is the place!

It's the 25th of July. That means nothing to me really other than I have to take detours to get to work since the regular roads are closed for the parade. I see NO reason to have a parade on the 25h of July either but Utah feels differently.

Surely those pioneers that settled this "great" state all those years ago didn't look into the future and say, "Boy, I do hope that someday they'll close all of the main roads in each town to make room for homemade floats covered in children and adults alike dressed in what they think is pioneer attire. Sure the JCPenny brand floral print dresses and Reebok tennis shoes are a little more modern( the pioneer's term not mine) than we actually wore but it's the thought that counts."

Well, pioneers, here you have hour of awkward people staring at awkward people on trailers and horses all to remember YOU!!!! Don't you feel lucky?

Then again, most people in Utah have today off. And if paying homage to the pioneers means I can take another day at home with my man and my dogs than give me a denim skirt and a head scarf and I will pull that damned handcart all the way home !

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

10 random things about me...

I realize that my life is filled with the particular type of oddities that one can only hope to read about in the pages of Sedaris or Burroughs. I also know that my writing style is no where near ready to handle such a task.

So....I think I'll stick to rarely blogging and will likely lose the fun memories with the rest of my long-term (read: anything more than an hour ago) memory.

1. In one week I managed to get my second round of IVF cancelled, Ben was laid off of one of his jobs, one of the toilets broke, the garage door broke trapping our cars inside for a day until someone could come fix it, my breaks on my car went out, my windshield cracked and needs to be replaced, the dishwasher caught itself on fire, and I

2. I didn’t even KNOW a dishwasher could catch on fire while on use. Isn’t it full of WATER?

3. I sometimes work as the security guard for my building on evenings when non-company events are planned here. I am not armed with a weapon or a skill. I would simply have to nag the intruders to death. Ben thinks I could do it.

4. If you mix up the "to and from" addresses on a letter it'll come back to you instead of going to your intended recipient. This seems like a "no brainer" but I've managed to do it....twice.

5. I didn’t like Pocohontas or Dances with Wolves. I also didn’t like the Smurfs. Ergo I will not be watching Avatar….ever.

6. I take an orange to work each day so that my health conscious husband will see me attempting something personally health conscious. As a result I now have a mountain of oranges on my desk.

7. Sometimes I like to respond to full office emails by writing a two or three word response followed by a smiley face JUST because another woman in my office does the same thing and I don't think she should be the only one allowed to be irritating.

8. I've learned not to eat anything out of the deli counter at Maceys. That particular shade of pink can not be found anywhere in nature but especially not found in natural foods.

9. I drank a small shot of apple cider vinegar the other night after dinner to settle my acid reflux but my stomach apparently protested the decision because I immediately began projectile vomiting pork loin and asaparagus into the garbarator. Ben was laughing which made me laugh which pissed off my stomach even more and before I knew it my stomach was empty and my reflux was worse. Damn A.C.V.

10. I talk to myself in the shower and don't realize it until my husband asks me if I had been singing in there. "Yes....yes I was....Alanis Morisette..."