Suitemate

Here’s what I don’t understand.

Just two days ago I posted my first thrilling ad on the brilliant beyond brilliant website known as Craig’s List (I admit it’s now an addiction) to advertise my room for rent.

And in that very same ad I mentioned, rather specifically, that I was looking for female roommates only. So why is it that within a few hours of posting, my cell phone inbox was full of messages from Leon, John, Matthew, Spence, and Charlie respectively?

Call me crazy but I’ve never known a female named Leon.

The first four managed to explain their ignorance of my "females only" rule by stating "I know you only wanted a woman but I’m gay, it’s kind of like the same thing."

I tend to disagree. A penis is a penis no matter where you place it.

And then came Charlie. Poor desperate Charlie

1:30 am. "Hi...my name is Charlie (long drawn out pause followed by the breathiest excuse for a message I’ve ever heard) your ad sounded sexy and I like sexy girls. If you feel like to have fun and never want the party to stop, give me a call..."

I made the mistake of calling each of them back. To the first four I am sorry, I may have told some untruths in my return call. I haven’t filled the room nor am I as open to the idea of living with a man as I claimed to be. I’ve done that, it turned out poorly.

And Charlie, dear sweet Charlie, here’s where I admit your voice wasn’t a charming as I claimed it was and the part in my conversation where I said that "38 year old red-headed cubicle monkey with a passion for young party girls is hot" was a complete and total lie. I’m afraid of you, rather afraid. Please do call at 7 after work but forgive me if my phone is already disconnected, you know too much already.

I understand that my mention of being an artist opens the gate to all kinds of interpretation and in the future I suppose I’ll need to learn to be a little more specific about my requests. And I guess some of you out there just have to understand that when a person says "female only" they just may mean "female only."

I mean no harm boys, I simply need someone to give me manis and pedis and run around the house with while wearing skimpy lingerie and pillow fighting. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Chase Unruly