Any mom who fits into single digit sizes within 6 months of having a baby should be shot. Granted I'll Never fit into single digit sizes (even at my thinnest after major lipo and a nasty anorexic phase I was still a solid 10...ahem...12.) AND granted I lost all of my baby weight PLUS about 30 lbs within 8 weeks of having Archer. But even with these two facts firmly in place, I get irritated with post-prego-skinny.
Skinny bitches in general get on my nerves. A woman isn't a woman without a few curves.
I should be a rapper.
Where was I? Oh yeah....on my way to the kitchen for another cookie.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Bothersome
My husband tells me I need to keep a journal. I can't be bothered. I decided, instead, to update my blog. I realize I can't be bothered.
But then I remember that I just had a baby and that I may want to remember the experience of it all and I guess I can, in fact, be bothered.
So here I am.
Boom!
But then I remember that I just had a baby and that I may want to remember the experience of it all and I guess I can, in fact, be bothered.
So here I am.
Boom!
Monday, July 25, 2011
This is the place!
It's the 25th of July. That means nothing to me really other than I have to take detours to get to work since the regular roads are closed for the parade. I see NO reason to have a parade on the 25h of July either but Utah feels differently.
Surely those pioneers that settled this "great" state all those years ago didn't look into the future and say, "Boy, I do hope that someday they'll close all of the main roads in each town to make room for homemade floats covered in children and adults alike dressed in what they think is pioneer attire. Sure the JCPenny brand floral print dresses and Reebok tennis shoes are a little more modern( the pioneer's term not mine) than we actually wore but it's the thought that counts."
Well, pioneers, here you have it....an hour of awkward people staring at awkward people on trailers and horses all to remember YOU!!!! Don't you feel lucky?
Then again, most people in Utah have today off. And if paying homage to the pioneers means I can take another day at home with my man and my dogs than give me a denim skirt and a head scarf and I will pull that damned handcart all the way home !
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
10 random things about me...
I realize that my life is filled with the particular type of oddities that one can only hope to read about in the pages of Sedaris or Burroughs. I also know that my writing style is no where near ready to handle such a task.
So....I think I'll stick to rarely blogging and will likely lose the fun memories with the rest of my long-term (read: anything more than an hour ago) memory.
1. In one week I managed to get my second round of IVF cancelled, Ben was laid off of one of his jobs, one of the toilets broke, the garage door broke trapping our cars inside for a day until someone could come fix it, my breaks on my car went out, my windshield cracked and needs to be replaced, the dishwasher caught itself on fire, and I
2. I didn’t even KNOW a dishwasher could catch on fire while on use. Isn’t it full of WATER?
3. I sometimes work as the security guard for my building on evenings when non-company events are planned here. I am not armed with a weapon or a skill. I would simply have to nag the intruders to death. Ben thinks I could do it.
4. If you mix up the "to and from" addresses on a letter it'll come back to you instead of going to your intended recipient. This seems like a "no brainer" but I've managed to do it....twice.
5. I didn’t like Pocohontas or Dances with Wolves. I also didn’t like the Smurfs. Ergo I will not be watching Avatar….ever.
6. I take an orange to work each day so that my health conscious husband will see me attempting something personally health conscious. As a result I now have a mountain of oranges on my desk.
7. Sometimes I like to respond to full office emails by writing a two or three word response followed by a smiley face JUST because another woman in my office does the same thing and I don't think she should be the only one allowed to be irritating.
8. I've learned not to eat anything out of the deli counter at Maceys. That particular shade of pink can not be found anywhere in nature but especially not found in natural foods.
9. I drank a small shot of apple cider vinegar the other night after dinner to settle my acid reflux but my stomach apparently protested the decision because I immediately began projectile vomiting pork loin and asaparagus into the garbarator. Ben was laughing which made me laugh which pissed off my stomach even more and before I knew it my stomach was empty and my reflux was worse. Damn A.C.V.
10. I talk to myself in the shower and don't realize it until my husband asks me if I had been singing in there. "Yes....yes I was....Alanis Morisette..."
So....I think I'll stick to rarely blogging and will likely lose the fun memories with the rest of my long-term (read: anything more than an hour ago) memory.
1. In one week I managed to get my second round of IVF cancelled, Ben was laid off of one of his jobs, one of the toilets broke, the garage door broke trapping our cars inside for a day until someone could come fix it, my breaks on my car went out, my windshield cracked and needs to be replaced, the dishwasher caught itself on fire, and I
2. I didn’t even KNOW a dishwasher could catch on fire while on use. Isn’t it full of WATER?
3. I sometimes work as the security guard for my building on evenings when non-company events are planned here. I am not armed with a weapon or a skill. I would simply have to nag the intruders to death. Ben thinks I could do it.
4. If you mix up the "to and from" addresses on a letter it'll come back to you instead of going to your intended recipient. This seems like a "no brainer" but I've managed to do it....twice.
5. I didn’t like Pocohontas or Dances with Wolves. I also didn’t like the Smurfs. Ergo I will not be watching Avatar….ever.
6. I take an orange to work each day so that my health conscious husband will see me attempting something personally health conscious. As a result I now have a mountain of oranges on my desk.
7. Sometimes I like to respond to full office emails by writing a two or three word response followed by a smiley face JUST because another woman in my office does the same thing and I don't think she should be the only one allowed to be irritating.
8. I've learned not to eat anything out of the deli counter at Maceys. That particular shade of pink can not be found anywhere in nature but especially not found in natural foods.
9. I drank a small shot of apple cider vinegar the other night after dinner to settle my acid reflux but my stomach apparently protested the decision because I immediately began projectile vomiting pork loin and asaparagus into the garbarator. Ben was laughing which made me laugh which pissed off my stomach even more and before I knew it my stomach was empty and my reflux was worse. Damn A.C.V.
10. I talk to myself in the shower and don't realize it until my husband asks me if I had been singing in there. "Yes....yes I was....Alanis Morisette..."
Monday, December 7, 2009
10 random thoughts about life...
While I still have a few things fresh on my mind....
1. White Christmas trees don't work in a beige room with beige walls and beige carpets. It just looks dirty. If, by some familial circumstance, you're obligated to keep said white tree up, do not resort to decorating with with purple and blue glittery tulips purchased for 12 cents a piece at last year's "after-Christmas" sale. They will look like cheap tacky (yet glittery) blue and purple vaginas. No matter how you look at it this is NOT an appropriate Christmas theme.
2. Just because a movie has the word "Good" in the title that doesn't mean that it is.
3. The score and libretto for "The Sound of Music" has been sitting on my desk for a week now and everytime I see it I think it says "Book written by Russel Crowe." I can't help imagining what a different show that would have been. Capt'n Von Trapp could have been a chubby greasy haired kiwi with autistic (albeit gladiator-like) tendancies. Maria would have been bored in a matter of minutes.
4. YES I KNOW it's a real story but do you think Russell Crowe really would have cared?
5. Wearing Sketcher's "Shape Ups" may increase the workout to my butt and thighs but it also makes me feel like I'm one of those kids with one leg longer than the others so I have to wear one regular shiny shoe and one thicker and much less attractive shoe. Except in this case I wear them on both feet so it's more like both of my legs are shorter than the other. Yeah.
6.People will give up their Friday nights to watch an old Babs Streisand flick but not their Saturday nights.
7. Southwestern fabric brightens everyone's day.
8. Claning out the office fridge should only be done on a Friday when the building will be vacant for a weekend and the place can be aired out. Children could die from office kitchen fumes.
9. If you're driving down the freeway in the car-pool lane and your spouse is laying in the back of the car with the dogs, people may think you are driving alone. They are, infact, incorrect.
10. It's ok to lie if your bosses support the habit.
1. White Christmas trees don't work in a beige room with beige walls and beige carpets. It just looks dirty. If, by some familial circumstance, you're obligated to keep said white tree up, do not resort to decorating with with purple and blue glittery tulips purchased for 12 cents a piece at last year's "after-Christmas" sale. They will look like cheap tacky (yet glittery) blue and purple vaginas. No matter how you look at it this is NOT an appropriate Christmas theme.
2. Just because a movie has the word "Good" in the title that doesn't mean that it is.
3. The score and libretto for "The Sound of Music" has been sitting on my desk for a week now and everytime I see it I think it says "Book written by Russel Crowe." I can't help imagining what a different show that would have been. Capt'n Von Trapp could have been a chubby greasy haired kiwi with autistic (albeit gladiator-like) tendancies. Maria would have been bored in a matter of minutes.
4. YES I KNOW it's a real story but do you think Russell Crowe really would have cared?
5. Wearing Sketcher's "Shape Ups" may increase the workout to my butt and thighs but it also makes me feel like I'm one of those kids with one leg longer than the others so I have to wear one regular shiny shoe and one thicker and much less attractive shoe. Except in this case I wear them on both feet so it's more like both of my legs are shorter than the other. Yeah.
6.People will give up their Friday nights to watch an old Babs Streisand flick but not their Saturday nights.
7. Southwestern fabric brightens everyone's day.
8. Claning out the office fridge should only be done on a Friday when the building will be vacant for a weekend and the place can be aired out. Children could die from office kitchen fumes.
9. If you're driving down the freeway in the car-pool lane and your spouse is laying in the back of the car with the dogs, people may think you are driving alone. They are, infact, incorrect.
10. It's ok to lie if your bosses support the habit.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Mmmmm fruit kebabs...
Hey I realize that I'm writing (talking) to myself here because NOBODY knows I even have a blog, but I figure maybe one day I'll do something interesting enough to blog about.
And then I'll embellish the story until it's interesting enough to Write about.
And then I'll embellish it even more.
In doing so, I hope to gain just one reader. I hope it's a bored cubicle monkey doing a random search for the word "epicurious."
I don't intend to be writing about food or cooking or the curious delights there in, mind you, I just plan to include the word in this blog and hopefully someone comes across it.
Epicurous.
There I've done it.
Bring it on fate...I'm ready for a reader!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Benvenido a Miami
Have you ever thought about visiting the Bahamas? I have. In fact, I've thought about it quite a lot lately. I've thought about it so much, in fact, that I've just booked two round-trip non-refundable tickets to Miami.
W T F ?
Have I MET myself? Have I SEEN my greenish-shade-of-opaque-white skin that should NOT be touched by the sun's fertile rays? Have I remembered the fact that I haven't owned a bathing suit since the age of 12 (for VERY good reasons)?
And have I ignored these questions and gone ahead and booked the flights to Miami?
Hells yes.
Damn you Will Smith, if you hadn't made your party song so much like a "call to arms" maybe I would have thought through it a little bit before booking a vacation that requires a few things that I Don't have.
Miami Beach Body
Swimming Suit
Tannable skin
Watersport mentality
Affection for the outdoors
Instead, my suitcase will be filled with turtle neck sweaters, long pants, SPF 7O+ sunscreen, an old lady hat, an umbrella, a bottle of aloe, a bottle of excederine, and possibly a few phone numbers to the local paramedics.
I'm so lucky that my husband forgives me for my craziness LONG before it presents itself.
Why not?.....He gets a trip to the Bahamas!
This was me on a particularly masculine day.
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